Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Almost a New Year!!!

Awww the new year is almost here. Thank Goodness!!
Today hasn't been the best of days for some reason. I talked to my sister and just started crying. I feel like everything is coming in around me but I know it's not. I think it's just a combination of starting school next week, coming to the conclusion that I need to lose weight to get healthy, and trying to not get involved with my family drama.
I'm so excited to start school next week but I'm also scared. It's been a long time since I've been in a classroom. I know it's beauty school and it's something I've been wanting to do for over 10 years but I'm scared to start something new. For the next 11 months I'll be in a classroom Tuesday thru Saturday from 9 til 4! Plus it hit me as I was writing this, I'm getting married in September!
I can't believe I'm finally getting married! I have so much to do and I know I shouldn't worry but I do. How are we going to pay for everything? I feel like I can't ask Travis for the money but then again I'm like, we are in this together. His parents are helping alot, which I'm very thankful for. They are wonderful!
Starting next week I'm doing the Idiot Proof diet. Loved the book. Hoping this works.
No carbs or sugars for 2 weeks!! I can do it! I know I can!!!
I just have to keep in my head that I want to look healthy for my wedding!

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Why does my mom let my brother take advantage of her?? And why do I even bother to continue to care? She bitches to me about him having her car but she still lets him. I just need to stop giving a shit and tell her that in June when we have to get new plates I'm signing the car over to her. No if and or butt's about it!!!
I'm just in a bitchy mood tonight!!! I'm tired of people always taking advantage of others!!!!!
Lord...give me strength to not get upset when people complain to me about things that go on in their life but do nothing to make it better.


So I weighed myself and I've gained 10 pounds since I lost my job!! I'm now at 260!! What the hell?? I can't do this anymore. I can't handle the back pain, the not being able to tie my shoes without breathing hard. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to have to move around a spare tire around my waist when I get intimate with my guy. How embarrassing is it??!!! I don't want to be a size 8...I want to be a size 12 or 14. I would be completely happy with that! That would mean I can go into any store here in Terre Haute and buy something to wear for that night. I wouldn't have to go to Indy or buy something online and chance it not fitting.

Monday, December 7, 2009

My dad

Today is the day that I told my dad not to talk to me until he is completely sober. He told everyone he checked himself into Hamilton Center for depression. He went to detox. He makes me feel like it's my fault for doing that.
It just makes me sad.


Ugh..why is it that when I think I have one decision made 50 more options come about that make me quesitons my decision? So I'm wanting to go to Harrold's but now I have gotten 2 calls for interviews. I don't think I'm going to make any decisions until I go to talk to them at Harrold's tomorrow.

Saturday, December 5, 2009


So today I went to Old Navy....I hate shopping sometimes!!! So I'm a size 20...ok...I can deal with that, but what the hell!! I try on a size 20 jeans and they don't fit. And what's weird is that in my closet are size 20 jeans from Old Navy that fit perfectly but no not now. I know I should be happy with how I look but sometimes I can't help but feel down about it. I know I need to get healthy and start working out but for some reason I make myself do it. I have Wii Fit and I have the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and I have a membership to Fitness Experts! I would be completely happy being a size 12 or 14. That's 6 to 8 sizes I need to lose. Can I do it?
Travis is gone next week on business...maybe that's when I should get my butt in gear and do it! I'm tired of my shirts not fitting right because of the roll around my stomach. For crying out loud I want to be able to paint my toe nails without being uncomfortable!
On the plus size though...I love love love my hair!! I'm ready to go on Jan 4th to get it all red!! And I go on Tuesday to start Harold's Beauty School. I'm so happy that Travis is behind me 100%!!! I love him soooooooooo much!!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Going Red

Well I'm going red today. I'm so nervous about going from black hair to red! Everyone tells me how beautiful it will look so I don't think they would just say that to say it just because it's a big change. I go at 12:30!!! Wish me luck!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Beauty School

So I'm going to go to Harrold's Beauty School hopefully. I go next Tuesday to meet with the owner and see what I need to do to start in Feb. I'm really excited about doing this because I've been wanting to do this for as long as I can remember! I want to do hair! I want to be a color specialist! I just hope I can get the financial aid I need. We'll see what happens!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

My Sister

I worry about my sister. I'm hoping to see her this weekend but I'm not sure if it will happen. I know that when we go see that it means it's starting her leaving her husband. I'm not sure she is ready for that yet. I think she wants to be able to have one more "normal" christmas for her son. I should find out tomorrow morning if we are going to go see her or not. Part of me really wants to go see her, but then again I don't want her husband to give her hell when we leave on Sunday.
We'll see what happens.


Family....love em, dislike what they do. This is what many people have had to deal with for most of their lives. My family is a mosh-pit of emotions. At least my emotions. I feel like I need to take care of each and every member but then get upset when I can see they don't even want to help themselves. Or maybe they do want to help themselves but expect someone to get it started to for. How many times do you help them before you finally say forget it, you're on your own. It's easy for others to say just let be, but the guilt lays heavy on your mind when you actually do say that.
My older sister lives with a man that controls her. But I can't help but think she is letting him because it's easier to do that than to fight back. I haven't seen in her two years and her son doesn't know us. Her husband thinks we are evil and doesn't want their son around us. I'm going on Friday to see her and I'm so excited but am scared at the same time. I want to be the Aunt I know I can be to their son but I know he doesn't know us and it will be weird. I'm hoping her jackass of a husband doesn't give her hell after we leave on Sunday and I'm also hoping that maybe by seeing us my sister will give her the strenght she needs to either stand up to her husband and let us see her and her son or leave him. She says she wants to but I don't think she knows how to take that first step.
As for my fiance's family I love being around them! I love going there because there isn't any drama when we go to visit. We get to be the kids. They make sure we are ok and if we are sick they go get the tylenol for us.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents with all my heart. I wouldn't change them for the world...I just wish I knew how to stop filling guilty for wanting to be the "kid" and not the "adult" with them.
Any ideas?